My desk is messy.  It seems that no matter how often I clean it, it will always be messy.  And I am a clean person...sometimes too clean.  Annoyingly so.  The items that consume my desk include: 2 cameras, digital and otherwise; a notice that says I have to get my car tested for emissions, a water bottle, keys, a check book, pens, next semesters hand-written schedule, a CD of comedians, a "basic behavioral outline for mediation," a subway card, a notebook outlining my budget, a black purse, gloves, a postcard from dad that has a picture of Oregon's Timberline Lodge on the front, a notification of privacy from the drug test I got on friday, a coupon for candy at the movies, Dream lotion from gap, a port for my digital camera, a remote, a toy doll from McDonalds, a toy wooden truck that I made in shop in 8th grade, a Donald Duck mug, a California Raisen, a shot glass with ketchup packets in it, a stone figure of a thinking man, a magnetic troll, a red supplies organizer, and a computer monitor with a stuffed lobster and squirl on top.  Does that tell you anything about me?  Who ever thought one could fit so much stuff on such a small surface?  And when I think about it, I supose that these items, big or small, do tell a lot about me.  Why have I not moved them yet, or thrown out the coupon and privacy notice?  Do I think that I will need them?  Each item has a place, but I have chosen to leave each out for the time being for a reason.  I must have.  Each of the items serves an immediate purpose for me.  Memories, reminders, they are frequently used.  The more I think about it, the more interested I become in the items left on my desk.  I know what each means to me, but I wonder what each means to you.  What does each tiny item say about me?

Interesting.

Today I started my internship at WBOC in the marketing and promotions dept.  So far so good.  I have already written 13 short scrips for the Student Scholars program.  The people there are nice, and even fun.  I believe that I will learn a lot.  For the 1st time I am not a bit disappointed that I will not be making any money, bc the experience that I gain will benefit me in ways that I cannot yet imagine.  Tomorrow, after the dentist I will help to shoot a promo in salisbury and wed I will sit in on a meeting with the OC Harley Davidson store and shoot another promo on the beach.  I am actually exited, and I really look forward to doing work outside of an office. 

Saturday, I begin my training to become a mediator.  I will be in training from 9:30 to 5:30 for 2 full weekends and the tueday and thursday between them.  Once I have completed the classes, I will be expected to volunteer 84 hours in one year as an apprenticeship.  After doing so I will be allowed to mediate in Maryland only...It seems that there is something trying to keep me here.

When school begins, I will be responsible for attending 3 classes and a lab, spending 7 hours a week in the SOAP office, as well as attending our weekly meetings and events.  I will spend 10 hours a week at WBOC to receive credit for the internship, and I will have to volunteer at least 4 hours a week at the Center for Conflict Resolution to try and complete my 84 hours in 5 months.  Not to mention homework...I think I am gonna fail statistics...

So I am doing all this.

The question is...

What will it do for me?

I would rather think about my desk.

*RED(y for what?)

Hi.     (WARNING: I will not be spell checking or grammer checking this entry...and I am gonna type fast, so expect mistakes : )

    OK, so here I am again writing in the bitch journal.  I mean, it does serve a purpose I guess.  I am stuck at home now.  The one in Frederick and I am bored senseless.  My Dad made me turn off the one form of entertainment that I have here...the tv.  I mean, what else do I have to do?  I don't have any friends here, and the one's that are still around annoy the hell out of me so...  I don't even have a room to clean!  My room has been torn down and painted green.  It's beautiful, but not mine anymore.  Now all I can do is sit here and the comp and look at grad programs that  I will not apply for...fun.  That and bitch in my bitch journal, that I have not bitched in for quit a while.  I guess I generally don't have a lot to bitch about,  and if I do bitch, it is just for fun, bc I can.  While I am here I should explore this question that I have been pondering.  Why am I so apposed to stupid, false, cutsie whootsie BULL SHIT!  I hate it.  Nothing makes me more upset faster.  I can't stand sentiment. I enjoy real honest feeling and emotion.  If it is not real, then I dont want to see it.  I  can't stand immature illustions of love, or FALSE dramatic situations.  Neither of those extremes need to exist.  There is just no point, unless it is to annoy me.  Not that it doesn't happen to the best of us... me too I guess, but I do try to avoid it at all costs, if not for my own sake, then for the sake of my friends who would have to listen to me talk about it.  I know, I am cynical as hell, I know this...but we all have out quirks don't we? Plus who am I to talk about what "love" really is.  I avoid it at all costs...either that or it avoids me.  Either way, I think I am happier living in my little cynical world were very little can hurt me.  I just don't have the energy or motive to really invest in anything at such a transitional point in my life.  I have time for school, soap, interships, co-hosting a car show, searching for a job, and the few good friends that I have.  Aymen for them!  Plus, I think that is enough, don't you think?  OK, so I hope Krispen doesn't read this, bc I am still totally interested in marrying her brother. (haha..j/k  sorta)

Speaking of brothers: HE TOOK MY FLYING!!! whoop whoop

Now on to good stuff.  Adam is coming up today and he is going to have Christmas Eve dinner with the fam and our sister family, the Taylors.  I am sure that he will alleviate my bordom. Whhheeeeeew. I feel better after all that ranting, now I will just have to delete half of it as to not offend anyone.  There-in lies the challenge.   Anyway, pickles.

Ok, everyone, have a very merry christmas and a slap happy new year!

*red

Ok, ladies and gentlemen,

Listen up!

Throughout your life you are going to run into many different kinds of people.  Some will make you feel good, and some will make you feel bad. Some are going to make you feel very good, and then very bad...or visa versa.  This is a warning.  I know you might think that if you meet someone who makes you feel badly about yourself, you would choose not to be around that person any more.  Well I am glad.  But sometimes that is easier said than done.  Sometimes, bad people have the ability to manipulate you into thinking that they are actually good people.  They might make you feel like YOU are the bad person.  And unfortunately you might believe it.  PLEASE DON'T!  Anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself or makes you do things that you do not want to do IS A BAD PERSON!  If they try to make you feel badly for thinking that they are bad, then they are EVEN WORSE!  Leave, get away.  NO ONE should make you feel bad, NO ONE has the right to make you think any less of yourself.  And NO ONE has the right to control you, or "own" you, or tell you what to do, or what to wear, or who you go out with NO ONE!

I know. You may think that I am up on my little high horse, and that I am mad at the world.  But that is not true.  I am just worried.  About good people.  People who may be pulled into situations that will hurt them...literally.  I am afraid that good people will get manipulated into believing that they are bad, or worthless, when I know they are not..  I know that everyone deserves to be loved and treated with respect.  And you know that too.  The hard part is acting on it.

I am only saying this, bc right now I am having a hard time.  It is not to reflect on anyone else.  I need this, I need to say it.  I need to believe it.  And I need to feel like my emotions are justified.  I am not implying that I am not OK, or that anyone else I know is in danger.  I just need to say it...write it...think it...express it.

I know that you deserve to be treated fairly.  Like a human being.  Like a woman.  Like a man.  You set the rules in your own life.  NO ONE else has that power.

*Red

Enough of that bullshit.

Read this:

SUPER Happy pants time.

What a weirdo?  I know that is what you are thinking.

Who does this anyway?

Weird people, that's who!

Suck on it, and have a nice day!

; )    : )    ; )    : )    ; )

Don't hate me bc I'm weird, hate me for no reason at all.

*RED HOT

Yupper doo.

So far so good.  I really don't know why I am writing, but I figure I should just so that no body gets bored with me and tries to push me off a cliff.

I have had a pretty good weekend, which started thursday.  I have been sober for quite a while be I had to be, so on Thurs I was the DD, but it turned out to be really fun.  I think that everyone should got to Brew River sober at least once.  It is fun to watch ppl and see how their behavior gradually changes over the night.  It is REALLY funny to try dancing sober...all rhythm, that I THOUGHT I had was gone!  But who was paying attention to me anyway (aside from the vultures that stand by the dance floor and drool at everyone)? Everyone is lost in their own little world.  After unstanding these facts in a clear state of mind, one is much better equiped to recognize when their own behavior changes when they are drinking.  And I have come to the diffinitive conclution that it is much more fun the be lost and in your own little world, than it is to be watching others have fun in theirs...not that it is bad.  Oh you Be a DD...it is good.  Pickles...

Life is weird.  Oh yeah, the rest of my weekend.  Dad came down on Friday so that he could ride the Seagull Century Saturday morning.  It was really fun having him around, it is nice to be able to sit and talk to someone that you know won't hate you when you are finished bitching about everything you can possibly think of.  Not to mention that it is nice to hear about what goes on in the outside world...you know that one that takes place outside of a college campus.  So that was fun.  Also he met Adam and I think that they are going to have babies...hot babies...but I don't need another sibling.

Happy birthday to Jordan!  She was my excuse for getting out of the house last night, not to mention that someone else would be there...but ANYWAY!  You see there are somethings that you just can't write about on this thing.  It sucks, but I figure that the world doesn't need to know, and I am not a big fan of broadcasting personal info all over the internet. 

OK, I am bored...sorry it is long...and sorry I am not going to spell check it, and sorry for my bad grammer and the typos.  OK ppl, have a lovely day, drive safely, make good choices, and don't die!

The END,

*RED

I have a lot to do.

Am I going to do it?

Eventually.

More importantly:

HaPPy BirTHday (in order of appearence)

JASON,  ERIC,  & ADAM!

Rock out with your sock out my Older Brothas!

Much love,  * REDy to Rock

I will probably have a pop quiz tomorrow on chapter 4.  I mean she did say to do a "close reading".  And she is a big anal weirdo...oh well.  I will do it in a minute...you know, as I fall asleep.  I just wanted to take a minute and say that I am very lucky.   I am fully aware of how lucky I am at all times, but only at certain times can I actually put it into words.  Not that I can spell any of them correctly.

So, I am lucky.  I have a wonderful mother and father and sister and dog.  I have shelter and food, (way too much food at times).  I have great friends who make me feel good.  I can be myself around them and they won't hate me, no matter how much I thought they would in the begining.  I have cloths on my back...mainly SOAP T-shirts, but I guess they count.  I have met many wonderful people in the last few months, and I have gotten said goodbye to a of couple not-so-wonderful people.  I don't mind my eduacation...even though I hate all the research papers I have to do. I am lucky.

I think that I have learned how to deal with people a little better...or maybe they have learned to deal with me.  Either way, things are OK.  I have the best "almost common law marriage" partner in the world, (who I should have correct the grammer for this).  Oh and yeah...I met a boy who is probably the nicest, sweetest, and all around weirdest guy I have met.  All that together equals awesome.  BARF!  I am lucky.

I have all 5 sences working for the most part.  All my limbs are still attached and functioning.  I don't think that I have any diseases.  I love my "job" and all the oppertunities it provides.  I have carebears who love and care about me...hehehe.  I survived moving across the country with very few long term effects (if not very possitive ones).  I have electricity, A/C, heat, TV (cable infact), radio, internet, a computer.  I am very lucky.

Until next time,

*everREDy

P.S This shit is fun to write.  I don't have to care about grammer, or spelling, or getting a grade, or impressing anyone or even making sence.  And best of all-I can be as F'ing repetative as I want.  To reiderate, I can be repetative.

Oh the things we think when we are thinking things. 

We think about the past and future, the present, and how the present is passing.

We think about people, old and new, and how we wish we knew more about the old.

The things we are thinking are only thoughts.

No one else can hear, there is no one else here.

To listen

to the things that we think..

People: the things people say, the things people do, and the things people think.

Those are the thinks that I think.

What are you thinking?

Are you thinking about my thinks?

Or are you thinking that I am thinking about what you are thinking?

Are you?

I am.

The things we think, are only thoughts.

There is no word to be spoken, or mumbled, or heard.

The things we think don't matter at all.

If you think it is enough to think the things that you think, I think you should think about what you are thinking.

Just a thought.

*Red

I can't sleep.

This sucks.

I think I am hunrgy too.

But you are not suposed to eat 3 hours before you go to bed...

I should have eaten at 9 when I got home.

Tomorrow is a long day.

All the days are long.

So why, if they are all long, do I think that they are any longer than any other day therefore calling it "a long day"?

Who knows.

Yeah I am definately hungry.

I am not going to grad school.

I have decided.

Not right away.

I am moving to Oregon.

I don't care if you don't believe me.

Wanna come?

My tummy hurts.

Because I am hungry.

Is that spelled right?

It looks funny to me.

Not that I can spell.

Usually I don't even notice.

Because I can't spell.

School is hard.

Work is harder.

So I quit.

Not that I do that.

Quit.

I am not a quiter.

I wish I had food in my house.

Until next time,

*Artificial Red

Tomorrow I leave for Fredneck.  It will be nice to get out of Salisbury, but even nicer to get out of Maryland entirely on Wednesday.  I am looking forward to getting away from work, bills, and the whole routine.  I just can't take it anymore.  Everything gets old after a while and you just need a break.  My break comes in the form of going to good old Oregon for 2 family reunions and to see old friends!  I am so exited I could pee myself.  Even Jessica, my very first BEST FRIEND EVER is going to be in town.  She lives in Colorado now bc that's where she goes to school, but coincidently she is coming back the same time that I am!  I haven't seen her in years and neither of us can way to sit around and remenisce about dressing up and playing in my tree house.  Her family still lives in my old neighborhood so maybe we can actually sneak into the tree house...hmmm. 

Also, T, I haven't seen T in waaaay to long.  He has been out to visit a few times and it is about time that I return the favor.  Now, just so you know, T is my soul mate.  Even he knows that.  But for whatever reason, we live on opposite sides of the country.  Funny story actually; I have known of him since 1st grade, and we had 9th grade math class together, but it wasn't until after I moved that we actually started talking and became really good friends.  Ironic huh?  I can't wait to see him again so we can talk about pickles and monkey and Mystery Science Theater.

And then, there are all my friends from high school, who actually fall into a different category that Jess and T.  These people were my posi ( I have NO idea how to spell that.  These were the girls and boys with whom I hung out at the lockers before and after class.  The people who went to Red Robin once a week and for every birthday, the people with whom I went to MORP!  (That is PROM where the girls ask the guys)  Believe it or not ppl, I actually had friends in high school.  And they were fun.  But now...we are sooo old things change every year and every time I go back I get to learn more and more about the kids I went to high school with. It is really quit interesting.  It is actually like watching time-lapsed photography.  Every couple of years a picture is taken and I get to see these people in a unique way, and they too get to see me in that way.

That brings me to another interesting thought that I have every time I am about to go home.  I always think about how I have changed.  Granted I can't really tell, but I wonder what they would see.  Am I better or worse?  Prettier or uglier?  Did I get fat?  These are the things that I think on the brink of my homecoming.  I doubt anyone cares, but I still want to at least attempt to impress people.  After all, I am not only seeing old friends, but also old boyfriends and every girl knows that you always have to let them know just what they are missing ; )

Ok, so I am getting tired, but if I could beg one thing of you...

Call me.

Remind me of what I am missing back here.  Maryland has grown on my and my goal by the end of this trip is to miss it.  I never thought I would be saying that...I know it is only 2 weeks. but still it would make me feel special :D  ok, goodnight everyone!

Until next time,

*Red